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A Goat Is Born

CEM; born February 26, 2010.

The Night Before

Tomorrow is D-Day. I have to report for duty at 0630. No food or drink for 12 hours before. Drag. Baby Daddy is nesting like a hot house hen. I'm as sluggish and docile as ever.
The next time I blog, the prego journey will be over and the Goat is gonna be all up in my biz.

Veni, vidi, vici, mofos!


Julius Caesar is Fine With Me

The Baby Doc said no more work after February 8. My brain can work but my body can't. I agree. Physically I feel like Jabba the Hutt. Mentally I feel like one of those chimps you see learning how to use simple tools on Animal Planet. Either way, I think the combo of these two screams to me: Stay in bed and off the streets!

I do have to go to the Baby Doc twice a week for stuff. All that means is lying in a chair for about 30 mins with two straps hooked up to me. I drag Baby Daddy now and then when he can go. He falls asleep in the other chair. Baby Grandma went once and she ate it up with a spoon. I think Grandmas are supposed to act like that.

I also have this other doctor (let's call her Risky Doc) and she keeps track of my blood sugar....also known as gestational diabetes ("GD"). GD makes giant babies. I am growing one of those babies inside of me which is one reason why Baby Doc said to stay off the streets. It is also a reason why I am having a planned c-section.

(Righteous moms, I'll let you catch your breath)

Yep, a planned c-section. I will prolly pick the day sometime this week or next and I assume it will be at the end of February. Some women's reaction to this news has been something like: "Aw, I'm sorry, well that will be okay" to "Oh! Are you okay with that? I would not be okay with that!" to "Well, I had all my kids naturally so I can't imagine. . .blah blah blah."


I did some reading up on vag birth and c-sections and I just have to ask:

What's the big phuckin' deal?!!?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Baby's coming out one of two ways.
I am glad modern medicine has made it possible for a giant baby to have an alternate route out instead of my female plumbing. Women used to die in child birth because of shit like that, so for me, props to Baby Doc for knowing when to call it.

Next, I think some chicks like to turn this prego thing into a pissing match. Guys have their sports or big cars and women have birthin' babies. I think it's great women have kids the way they were supposed to.....down the birth canal. Makes sense. But goddamm, don't act like you deserve a blue ribbon for it either.....chicks' been givin' birth since the beginning of time. I got nothing to prove here. Let's get this done the easiest way possible.

Next, I don't need to hear bullshit about how it's going to be after the c-section (from the good mothers who didn't have one *snerk*). I'm already completely aware that a c-section is major surgery. Baby Doc says baby needs a planned c-section. Baby Doc went to med school. Baby Doc does this for a living and she sees babies and cooches all the time. I think I'll defer to her about her job and if she ever decides she needs to sue someone, hopefully she'll defer to some lawyer like me.

Next, I've never wanted to give birth anyway. I became more aware of this after going to the redonk 8-hour birthing class and watched a bunch of women sweating, panting, bleeding.....blech! Labor can be 4 hours, 18 hours, 30 hours. You have no idea. That's not my bag, man. If I don't have to live like that, I'm not going to. Let me schedule an appointment, I'll be out of the hospital in a couple days.

Another thing, Baby Daddy travels for a living. He's gone half the month. When he's gone, he's gone. There is no such thing as cutting out of work early with Baby Daddy. The idea of me going into labor and trying to get Baby Daddy on the horn to notify him, and then wait for him to get home....well....the Goat could be here already. And then where would we be? I figure there could be years of "you weren't there!" coming out of my mouth and I don't need to start out motherhood like that.

So, where am I going with all this? I don't know. I just needed to get it off my chest. To hear some people's opinion on this planned c-section is that I am wuss or I am taking the easy way out (I swear, these things have been said to me). It's as though a kid born via c-section is gonna be some limp sickly dumbass who is gonna have emotional detachment issues for the rest of it's life. A c-section is a one way ticket to juvie hall?

My response: Remember who the c-section is named after....Julius Caesar.
Veni, vidi, vici, mofos!
To borrow from Lynyrd Skynyrd's less popular song "That Smell," I gotta say: Ew.

Pregnancy can and will assault all the senses at some time or another and any chick out there who denies this is a big ol' liar: You will stink. Often.

The baby books just gloss over it. The authors will just throw in some bullet point and say, "You may notice more discharge this month." If I could write a baby book, I would give the poor gal a heads up and say, "Crazy shit's gonna go on down there."

I noticed this right away but the essence has changed over the months. During the 1st trimester I thought I generally smelled metal. However, over the weekend, a prego chick friend of mine asked me about another smell wafting up from below and when I validated her new self-consciousness about herseld, she asked me if I would blog about it. So, since she's too shy to talk openly about it herself, I will be more than happy to gross ya'll out. (I'm just playing LW) Here goes:

Your business is gonna REEK. And there ain't nothing you can do about it. It gives new meaning to the term "hot mess." If you thought getting prego would at least give you a break from feminine products such as Always with Wings then think again. You're gonna start wearing them around the 6th month. You might just wear one a day or throw one on a few times a week. No big. By the time you get to the 8th and 9th month, you can plan on wearing one all the time. You should also plan on changing your unders twice a day. So, go buy some more cheap Hanes Her Way in about 4 sizes bigger than you normally wear unless you wanna be doing laundry all the time. You will burn through underwear faster than a cheap hooker who gets paid with Taco Bell burritos.

Moving on. You will leak pee. At first it will just be when you sneeze....a little dribble. Then, you will leak just because you moved your leg. Then you will just leak. Combine pee leakage with the other rank stuff going on down there and you've found a good place for a Stick-Up. At first I played around with powder, Shower to Shower, Always Petal Wipes (or whatever the hell they're called) and now, I've just accepted it and try to at least think about how beautiful being pregnant is. *snerk*

Smell ya later!

Post-Holiday Check In

I got gestational diabetes for Christmas. No pies or yummy food over the holidays for me. Prolly for the best. More on GD later.

I was stone cold sober throughout this holiday season. That hasn't happened since, oh, 1991? I can't remember.

Attended baby shower #3 with my in-laws. My husband was there and opened most of the gifts. He likes baby gear.

I was referred to a Risky Doc because of the GD and age and all. Met with her last week. In fact, last week was a week of doctor appointments. I was at the doctor more than a senior citizen. Some things in my life have been tweaked a bit like diet, couch rest, work schedule, prolly will deliver in the middle of February. More on that later too.

Pregnancy: It's beautiful and I'm doing what my body was meant to do! *sarcasm*
I rolled into the 3rd trimester last week like molasses out of a jar on a winter day. It's been some time since I posted anything mostly because it was Thanksgiving (the most wonderful day of the year for prego chicks!), I caught another head cold, and had to travel for work. I'd like to get everyone caught up on my random observations of being preggers as of late.

I'm in my 3rd trimester now and the only thing different from the 1st and the 2nd is that I am bigger and rounder. If I ever complained during the last few months about being tired like I've never been tired before, well, scratch that remark. I am now more tired than I've ever been tired before. The best thing I can compare it to is remember when you'd have final exams and you'd spend a week or so jamming on the books, hardly getting sleep, and not really taking care of yourself? And then remember when finals were over and all the blood was drained from your face, you didn't care if you smelled and had hat head so you went out for the post-exam drinking melee and got tanked with nothing to eat but pretzels from the vending machine? Then you ended up staying up til 4am only because you couldn't find your car and you looked and felt like a mouth-breathing zombie or a vampire extra in a Twilight movie? Ok, being prego right now feels just like that except you don't recover like you did during finals. When you eventually got home after the post-exam bar night, you showered, you got in bed, you slept, and usually you woke up feeling better. You caught up on your sleep after a couple days and the blood vessels in your cheeks started working again. Yeah, that doesn't happen now. I can sleep for 8 hours straight and wake up feeling exactly the same way as when I went to sleep. It's a drag, man. I feel like I am in perpetual final exam mode without the fun night at the bar.

Next: The baby books don't say a peep about this and I haven't heard any women regale me with this pregnancy war story because it's a nasty secret no one wants to mention. So I'm gonna mention it because I think it's important to know because I never thought of it until it started happening to me about 2 weeks ago. If you are easily offended or grossed out, then I warn you to stop reading now. Ok? Here goes: It's getting very difficult to get clean after going #2. I can't twist, bend, or get the leverage I need to get the job done. Last week I had to just jump in the shower and start over. Wet Ones can help but all I think they do is spread it around. The wipes are cold too so....yikes. Maybe I need a wipe warmer for myself and not just the Goat. I have to add that not being able to properly wipe your own arse can really mess with your head. Luckily this is just temporary but I have a newfound empathy for people who have to live their lives like this. Anyway, the baby books don't say shit (pun intended!) about that and why would they? The authors like to spend more time yapping about birth plans and scary things. Well, lemme tell ya, skid marks and dingleberries are scary when you're the one standing in line at the airport smelling like poop with a schmear in the rear. So think about that and plan ahead, ladies! Some time around the 7th month, you will need some extra time and some wipes when using the bathroom. You might just have to get a hose and start the day over.

Next: I can't breathe when I lie on my back. I feel like I'm suffocating. Backsleeping and stomach sleeping are a memory.

Next: The Goat is very active. It is fun to feel all the squirming and kicking. The Goat likes to Riverdance on my bladder and re-enact the Maniac dance scene from Flashdance every night. Am I giving birth to the next Bob Fosse? Awesome.

I also had my first baby shower with family in November. I spent the afternoon opening up pressies for someone else. Weird if you think about it.

Smell ya'll later. Hehe
Increased progesterone levels during pregnancy cause sleep problems while prego. The baby books I have barely mention the sleep problems and if the book does, it might just say something like:

"You may wake up often to urinate and you may find it easier to sleep with an extra pillow. You may find sleeping on your side is the most comfortable. Sleeping on your back can cause low blood pressure because the weight of your uterus can push on some big artery and constrict blood flow...."

Blah. Blah. And, blah.

Lemme tell you what it's really like (for me):

Sleeping will become a nightly event that begins with a collection of pillows placed strategically on the bed. I have two for my head, one as a wedge for my stomach, one behind me, one thin one for between my legs, and an extra one on standby in case I beg my husband to just smother my face with it (just kidding, he wouldn't do that). I don't sleep in my own bed with my husband anymore because suddenly our bed is too damn hard. So I start out sleeping in the guest room. Sometimes, that bed gets on my nerves so I move to the couch or the other guestroom (soon to be baby's room). I bounce around all night and sometimes I don't fall asleep until about 4am.

The main problem with nomadic sleeping is the pillow situation. I have to build a new pillow fortification in each bed and if I go to the couch, that means I have to lug a couple pillows with me. After I fuss around with the pillows and blankets it never fails that my underwear is up my arse, my giant tee shirt that I sleep in now is twisted, I have to weezer, or some tough to reach body part itches. If I lie on my side, there will be some problem with a boob where it feels like I'm lying on a bag of marbles. If I lie on my back, I can't breathe and get burpy. Stomach sleeping is not an option.

So I've come to the conclusion that what I really need is an anti-gravity chamber or some sort of science fiction deep sleep pod to crawl into each night, set the dials, and off I go into a medically induced coma until morning. And then, when I do resurface, I will feel like I just slept 7-8 hours instead of feeling like I didn't sleep at all. My main complaint with this sleep stuff is that after all the effort it takes to find sleep, I never wake up feeling like I slept at all. I feel as tired and beat down as when I started the process 10 hours earlier.

I've NEVER had sleep problems before. It took no effort for me to sleep any time, any where. I didn't used to require much sleep either. Now? Staying up until 10pm requires an announcement to my husband or friends that: Wow! I'm up late! Fun!

I'm dead on my feet at work and can barely keep my eyes open during the day. Dumber than a box of rocks! I'm still waiting for that great energy boost that comes in the 2nd trimester people! Tick-tock!

Progesterone is the main culprit of the my zombie-like state during the day and the inability to get comfy at night. It also is the cause of prego acne.....pracne?.....and the "glow" everyone just seems to love on prego women. Well, all I have to say is: Phuck you, progesterone! I wanna sleep and feel like I slept! I can buy powder at Sephora to give me a glow....whaddya think I've been doing all these years with the bronzer and the face brush? Glow-schmlow. I wanna sleep in my own bed without a pillow fortress and I wanna breathe at night.

So there.

Where the Wild Things Are

No planning went into this pregnancy, but, I do think I am lucky for many reasons and so far one of them is being prego at full throttle in the late fall/winter months. Let me share. Or, as I like to call it: OVERSHARE. It's what prego women do and I'm just jumping on the bandwagon.

It's been hard to attend to some types of personal hygiene lately and by "types" I mean shaving stuff down below. For me, I can't get my leg up and contort myself to get the hard-to-reach places. Actually, I gave up on most of the hard-to-reach places a few weeks ago...naw, MONTHS ago. I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and wondered how that toupee got stuck to me. So for now, I think having a well-manicured lawn like this.....

.....is going to grow a little "wild" like this......

.....at least until March. 

So, my message to all ladies out there who are planning to get prego sometime soon is plan to lose control of the lawn. Know that weedwhacking is harder. There will be overgrowth. If this matters to you at all, then shoot for spring or earlt summer baby.   Yeah, you can get a waxing but that's the last thing I feel like doing or spending money on right now. 

Bet you won't find that piece of advice in your baby books. 

This one time, in the delivery room. . . .

A complete stranger came up to me today and told me all about the births of her kids.  Another stranger nearby chimed in with some info about her deliveries.  My husband was with me and I was glad because he got to witness what I've been hearing off and on for the past few months: birthin' war stories.  If I ever see her again the first  image that's gonna come to my mind are a pair of scissors.  I don't know if she meant for that to happen or if she even cares but the more I think about it, the more odd it seems.  Complete strangers talking in a public place about vaginas.  Imagine men standing around talking about their balls.  Well, point taken but you know what I mean. 

Both women asked me if I had a birth plan or what I was going to do and I told them I didn't have a plan yet.  Crickets chirped for a couple seconds. 

So then I started thinking about the whole birthing process.  I haven't read ahead in the baby book.  I don't want to.  What I know about birthing is that baby's coming out and there is one exit.  If needed, the Baby Doc makes an easier exit.  Isn't that all I need to know?  Do I need to study the methods and read about all that?  That's why I have a Baby Doc.  She went to med school and she deals with women's plumbing for a living, she can take care of things.  I just plan on lying there, pushing, breathing, and maybe cursing (why not?  It might be the one time I can get away with it without the stink eye from my mother). 

I am going to take a birthing class because it's what chicks do now but I'm not looking forward to it.  My Grandma had nine kids at her home back in the 1920s-30s.  Seems like that movie would have been helpful for her.  She was on her own, no Baby Doc, no drugs, and lots of kids running around.  And my Grandpa prolly asked her about dinner.  My sitch and my Grandma's is completely different.  At least that's what I thought until this afternoon with Scissor Lady. 

Note to Righteous Moms:  This might piss you off so read carefully and without judgment (I learned that last part in yoga!)

Here's the thing:  all the birth stories sound the same to me.  Pain, some shenanigans in the delivery room, baby comes out.  Sure, each woman has her own story with her own details.  Her birthin' war story is her personal war story.  It's a very important one to her.  But for me, they all run together, they all sound the same, and they all have the same ending.  Just like a Hollywood action movie.  Right now, what I've learned from these war stories about labor is that I might be in labor for 30 mins and have the baby as soon as I get to the hospital or I could be in labor for 30 hours and have a C-section.  End result:  baby from "down there."  So for now, I'm not impressed.  The stories are exactly how I figured they'd be based on what little bit I paid attention to the pregnancy section in health class in 1988.  Aside from the details about time and place and who said what to whom, my war story won't be much different either.  So what I know about birthin babies now is that I don't know anything and I'm ok with that. 

When a women comes up to me and says she coughed up her baby, then I'm gonna stand up straight and pay attention. 

With that said, I am not downplaying high risk deliveries.  I'm not that big of an ass.  That must be scary and I can't imagine it but I figure you can't plan for that either and things happen so fast that I doubt those women asked for What to Expect When You're Expecting while being put under for major baby surgery.  This scenario could happen to me and I don't think any amount of reading is gonna prep me for it.  So for now, I'm just gonna stick my head in the sand and be glad I have a Baby Doc who knows how to do this and be thankful I am not in my Grandma's position where she had to figure it out on her own in the room off of her kitchen. 

 I also hope I am not thinking about scissors in a weird way much longer either.  Wow. 



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